Yesterday, Mike and I took the boys to McDonalds for lunch and to play in the playhouse. While I got our food Mike took the kids into the play area, took off their shoes and let them run wild. Some of you may know where I am going with this story and Im sure I will get tons of emails about this, so here goes.
I got into the play area to find Carter under the playhouse in a small space back right up to the netting with 2 other children lying in front of him and trying to figure out "why he has no hand". I also found my husband trying desperately to difuse the situation but these children where in aww of Carter. Now I am going to say this right up front, I have no problem with curious children or adults, I love telling everyone about Carter and how unique he is. I use our experience(s) to help others understand how everyone is different and that it is ok to be different. I frequently find myself surrounded by at least a dozen kids and parents at the park and I very happily tell them about Carter and his differences and his acheivements. What mother wouldn't want to talk about their kids right?
I am not sure how we did it but we got the kids out from under the playhouse and then got Carter out and explained to the kids in our usual way why Carter had no hand. We told them that he was born with no hand, which usually is followed by "why?" (typical little kid question) and we usually say something like "God made him that way" and by this time their parents usually pipe in and help explain in a way that they know their child will understand by this time the kids are usually all playing together and it becomes a parent to parent conversation.
Well this time was different. The moms of the boys didn't come to see what we were talking to their children about nor do I think they cared why my husband and I were talking to their children. Which I must say frightens me - if I saw 2 adults talking to my children I would be right there finding out why strangers were talking to them.
We got our boys to the table to eat lunch and the kids were walking over and asking us why he had no hand and we kept saying the same thing and still the Moms sitting right next to us said nothing. One kid stood at our table for nearly 3 minutes staring at Carter and didn't say anything. When I said "Hey Buddy what's up" he ran away. I felt really bad because I was just trying to make him comfortable to ask a question but at the same time I felt like it wasn't fair to Carter to have someone standing at our table staring at him. Still the Mother's who now clearly knew what was going on, said nothing. So when lunch was over they ventured back to the playhouse and about 5 boys (4 - 8 years old) followed my boys into the tunnels. The minute Carter got on the floor to climb into the playhouse they noticed his prosthetic foot. I was totally prepared to explain his prosthetics, I have dealt with this hundreds of times with other kids, but something was different this time. We told the boys he had a prosthetic leg and foot which means that it is a "fake" leg and foot. Fake is usually a word I use for kids around the same age as mine. It is a word they can understand and relate to the prosthetic as not a real body part. The kids were off and running into the playhouse and I thought this adventure was over.
As Mike and I sat at the table next to the other Moms we could hear all the children in the playhouse talking about Carter. The kids had all gathered in the bubble part of the playhouse and were standing around Carter and Chase. From where the parents were sitting we could all see and hear our kids. Out of the mouths of babes comes "what a strange baby" and "he is a fake baby" and "he is a robot baby with a robot leg" and even a "look he is missing fingers too". Very simply said kids are curious and it is very normal to hear these comments out of the mouths of babes. Unfortunately my defenses were down because I felt like the parents should have been helpful in the beginning of this encounter when we were answering their questions.
I felt like my sons future was being played for me in an awful nightmare. I saw him being cornered and taunted by peers. I saw his brother being emotional hurt because peers were making fun of his brother. I saw Carter's self confidence being trampled on. In my heart I know Carter and Chase will be able to deal with any situation with style and grace but I also know that there will be tough times ahead and there might be a day when Carter comes home from school crying. Every child struggles with self image and self confindence, I know I did and I still do. I can not even imagine what it will be like for Carter growing up always looking different.
Rationally, I knew that these kids are being innocent and that their reaction to Carter were very normal. Mike and I sat and listened and try to see how it would play out. We couldn't get inside the play house bubble to intervene and try to help the other children understand why Carter was different so we had to let go and let nature take over. This went on for about 10 - 15 minutes of the kids talking about Carter and trying to figure him out, while Chase and Carter played like they had not a care in the world. To Chase and Carter it is typical.
Then the boys decided it would be cute to go on the other side of the bubble wall and when Carter would go up to the wall he yelled "ah the robot baby" and ran away screaming. Where is his mom you ask????....sitting right there watching.
Feelings are Feelings and rationality does not always come into play when feelings are being tested. I calmly got up and cleared off our table while tears rolled down my face. Mike calmy collected the boys and got them ready to go. The Mothers stared at us saying nothing. One Mother was putting on her sons shoes and I could hear him asking her questions about Carter and her not answering him.
What kind of message do you think these children get from their parents about being different?
In all the times we have encountered curious children never once until this day have I met parents who didn't want to be involved when their children were asking my husband and I questions about Carter. Out of all the people I talk to about Carter I always hope it sticks with the kids the most because it will help them throughout childhood when meeting people who are different. I am thinking maybe I should hope that it sticks with the parents more since they set the tone for how their children intereact with others.
My Bee has left my Bonnet!!! Buzz Buzz Buzz
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5 comments:
Nothing hurts a mother (or parent) more then hearing some other making fun of or in another way making such issue with the fact that a person is "different". We have had 2 occasions where dh has heard a child at daycare point to Claire and say "that girl is weird." When he told me, I lost a piece of my heart forever. The parent said nothing according to dh. While my immediate reaction was, what was that kid thinking. After thought, my reaction was what the hell is wrong with that parent. Take the opportunity while it is right infront of you... ask questions, get an explination, teach your child that my child is not "weird". She is amazing!
I so need to get my "My kid has more chromosomes then yours" bumper sticker!
I am so sorry your family meal out with some play ended in tears. It's so hard being a mom sometimes.
My first thought......no make that the 7,8,9th is that maybe the parents we not American/European and cultural difference may account for their behaviour.
My second, 21st, 23rd.....is that as a youngster myself I had a pal at school [thalidomide] when prosthetic devices were rare. The most remarkable thing about her [to me] was her laugh. She laughed like a drain, it was completely infectious.
My 34th, 35th thought is that you are completely right to concentrate on the children that you encounter. Their innocence can be gently pointed in the right direction so that our generation of children enjoy a greater degree of understanding than previous ones. You do 'everyone' a favour by engendering this kind of empathy.
Best wishes
I just happened upon your blog and was hoping to see more comments about your experience at McDonald's.
My son is 6 and in a typical kindergarten but he has speech and motor issues. He is new to this school (whereas most of his classmates have been at this school for a couple of years) and although the school (religious) promotes being nice to each other, I can't believe how "not nice" some of the kids are. The worst part is that I have heard this one boy say my son talks like a baby/is funny several times now.
My son has an aide in the class with him (that we hired) so she really gives us a good picture of what's going on and she says that all the kids have comments made about them, that that's how this group seems to be. However, the weirdest thing about the boy who keeps saying the most comments,is his mom works at the school AND she's been part of the special needs meetings we've had b/c her son has many behavior issues, yet she does not say anything to him.
I've responded to the boy myself and yesterday another teacher said something to him but he just seems to have no filter on his mouth.
Right now I have an email in to the teacher - she's very open but due to earlier pick-ups the last couple of days we haven't had a chance to talk in person - and i'm waiting to see what her response to this is, am i overreacting?, etc.
My son doesn't seem to react to the comments and we've talked about what to say to someone who doesn't say something nice but if this continues, I worry about him not wanting to talk b/c he knows someone will make fun of him.
To be honest, I'd like to knock some sense into the mom but you know you can't do that :)
Anyway, sorry to go on but I was hoping to see if anyone had some good suggestions.
Peggy and Maddy thanks for your comments. I think we need to find the website for bumper stickers and place an order! LOL
Dana,
My new friend Im so glad you stumbled on my blog. I dread the day I send both my kids to school. Private or Public school there will always be bullies and kids who have no filters on their mouths. Unfortunately the tough part is how do we protect our children while they are in school?! All parents should educate their kids on how to interact with everyone - even if they are different. Not all parents do this and it is left up to the teachers and the parents of the child being teased to intervene. It sounds like you have exhausted these options and nothing has changed. I think you took the right steps in talking to the teachers and talking to the child yourself. If I were in your shoes I would talk to the mother face to face and ask her to assist you in resolving the problem. Every child deserves to feel equal in a classroom and no one should be allowed to take that away. Possibly set another meeting with school staff, yourself and the mother and try to talk to her directly with the staff there for support. Try to be as direct as possible without hauling off and punching her in the face!!!! LMAO!!!
I hope that whatever actions you take resolve the issue and I hope your son continues to get the best school experience possible.
Best wishes,
KelliAnn
Kelli & Mike. Aunt Di here. Some parents can be clueless. Unfortunatly they don't know how to handle a situation so choose to ignore it. You guys are wonderful parents. Carter & Chase are going to be just fine with you guys behind them. I am very proud of you both. You are an inspiration to other parents in the same boat. I love you guys very much. I'm honored to call myself Aunt.
Love you, Aunt Di
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